The question you Should Not ask when someone shares a birth story with you

Recently I had the privilege of being present with a new mom as she brought her baby into the world. It was an amazing experience for me, but the recurring question I got from those I’ve shared it with, has me a bit perplexed. It seems as if the overall ideas surrounding the birth process are that the experience is absolutely horrifying, and I wish this weren’t the case. As a certified Lamaze childbirth educator, I am quite knowledgeable on the birth process and my time helping women to navigate their pregnancies and birth, has certainly given me a front row seat to the Highs AND lows of the various pregnancy experiences.

The mom I journeyed with recently was induced, and after laboring bravely; she gave birth to a

healthy baby girl. She was well supported and her wishes regarding the birthing process were honored.

The recurring question I received afterwards; “Are you traumatized?” got me thinking.

As someone who teaches about the birth process for a living I was surprised by this question.

Yes, labor and birth are both hard. The task of birthing a human being is not easy. I’ve never suggested it to be so, even while encouraging moms that they can do it. I wonder why trauma is automatically associated with a baby being born although it is as natural and necessary as breathing for the continuation of life. I’ve concluded that globally people doubt our ability as women to handle hard situations, we’re always expected to break although we’ve been created to stretch.

(Some women experience birth trauma– a shorthand term for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) after birth. However, this is not automatic. Every woman is different so there can be a multitude of different birth experiences. Witnessing someone else’s trauma can also be traumatic, so partners can also experience PTSD)

To put things into content, I was NOT traumatized by my recent birth attendance.

In fact, compared to the events of the last 12 months watching a live birth doesn’t even make the list of traumatic experiences for me (we’re living through a pandemic AND a civil uprising.

I understand the question was innocent and is based on the way birth is primarily portrayed in the media, but when only agony and complexities that can be associated with the birthing process are highlighted it would seem traumatizing.

Here are some questions I will suggest asking if someone shares an experience like this with you in the future:

• What was that experience like for you?
• How would you suggest I support someone if I were to be present during their birthing process?
• What stood out to you most about the experience?

The next time someone shares a story with you, instead of suggesting a feeling to them, simply ask them how they feel. That way you allow them to share their experience without the influence of your thoughts on how they should feel or perceive what has happened.